The Horrifying Truth About Birds

This+is+what+birds+really+look+like.
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The Horrifying Truth About Birds

This is what birds really look like.

This is what birds really look like.

This is what birds really look like.

This is what birds really look like.

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Have you ever noticed that birds are really weird? Really. Think about it. It kind of seems like birds are always watching. That’s because they are. Why? Simple. Birds aren’t real.
There used to be birds everywhere, but in 1959, the U.S. secretly began killing off birds without public knowledge. This killing process lasted until 1971. At that point, every bird in the U.S was dead and replaced with government spy drones. Yes, government spy drones are real. Some people theorize that it happened much later, in 1986, and Ronald Reagan killed them all. There are disagreements as to what really happened, but we do know what happened because of it. The birds have cameras built into their eyes. Their wings have propellers built in so they can fly. Birds obviously can’t fly naturally. That would be ridiculous. They eat worms and convert them into fuel to power themselves.
The public is outraged. “They probably work for the bourgeoisie or something,” says Tara Black. Tara is a student at Wyoming High School, but she is also probably an expert on birds or something. Ana Salvador is a professional bird person that does stuff related to birds. She also goes to Wyoming High School. “I feel like the government wants to regulate the population because they want us to follow a new world order. But there are too many people to control. There are over 400 billion birds in the world. We have approximately 7.7 billion people. What’s the best way to keep tabs on all of them? Easy, birds,” she says. I also asked Hannah Fralick, a bird philosopher, about the situation. “Why do they sit on power lines so much? It’s like they’re charging their batteries,” she says. She believes that power lines exist for the sole reason of charging these birds, and I can’t say I disagree.
It’s not enough to have three people. Everyone knows that you need at least 4 people to convince a population. It’s common knowledge. So I went out to ask one of the teachers, Mr. Cornell, for his opinions. Through this experience, I’ve learned that teachers like Mr. Cornell are under government mind control. Even after I gave him solid evidence and proof, he stated that ‘[birds] are real. There are no bird drones. And frankly, I’m a little worried about you, Jack.” Again, government mind control is an obvious suspect. He has managed to brainwash some of his own students, as well. Brandy Kehl, a personal friend of mine and a student of Mr. Cornell, has stated that “birds are superior to humans.” The longer we go without taking action, the more people get brainwashed by the government.
I believe this goes deeper than even the government. I believe that there is a secret bird cult. “Bird worshippers,” if you will. They are controlled by lizard people like Mark Zuckerberg and aliens like Kim Kardashian. They control all world governments as well as the intergalactic federation on the other side of the galaxy. On every planet, they’ve used the false concept of birds to monitor and control every population until they gained complete control over everyone and everything.
“Jack, this article is profoundly irresponsible.” Whatever, “Mr. Cornell,” if that is your real name. I won’t be convinced by your lies. With every passing day, more and more people are realizing the truth. “Birds are suspicious,” explains high school student, Janell Ramos-Ramos. Ana Salvador is now leading the charge to spread the word. “What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. Because it’s all factory-made.”