Running Fingers Through Her Hair


Sebastian Blum

I think it is the fact that she breathes. It’s a bizarre thing to say, but I guess I’m grateful that she is just breathing, just existing. I think we forget to admire that. We’re all too busy looking at a woman’s face, trying to look for the imperfections so we judge whether or not she is “good enough” for us. Sometimes we’re all too busy looking at her body to see if there is too much of a curve or if the skin is a little darker in one place than another or if the acne is breaking out or not, to see if that is a body that is “beautiful enough” to look at. I prefer just to forget about all that with her because to me, there is no imperfection. She is like a masterpiece. A painting that has taken a lifetime to make. To make sure all the spots are in the right place. To make sure everything is perfect. Something as simple as her breathing is something to be in awe of. Even if you look at her hands, you are in awe. Another bizarre thing to say, but hands show so much beauty. They have all these lines, some nails are longer than others, some fingers bigger than others, but this can’t be seen as something imperfect because she is just too beautiful.

I never ran my fingers through her hair before. I didn’t think it would be a smart choice. I have always wanted to. To feel each individual hair through my fingers. To let her know I am here to stay. To let her know these fingers are hers. To let her know that I am hers. I suppose that’s why I never did it. I was too scared to give her my all if she was too scared to do the same. I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame her. It takes a lot to give your all to someone. To think of them every moment of the day, wondering how they are feeling, being sad when they’re sad and being happy when they’re happy. Though I do believe that she would be willing to give her all to me, like many other people that I have known, giving your all doesn’t always work out. Life has a way of making you think that giving your all is a suicide attempt, a way of asking to crash down hard, but that’s because, in life, people give their all to the wrong people. They did what I didn’t, they gave their all without being sure that the other person would too. I would never do that. I guess I wouldn’t because I know how much love is worth and who it’s right for. But, we are all human, which makes us flawed. We make mistakes and it is up to us and only us to learn from them.

I never put my lips onto hers, but I never needed to. It’s not the I didn’t want to, but her lips wouldn’t give more joy than her eyes. When you look in her eyes, you see a glow, a shine of her soul in those iris’. You see so much in those beautiful, calm eyes. I think most people focus too much on her body, her face, and choose not to see her real beauty. I think they try looking for their own idea of what beauty is, in her, but she, like many other women, are not defined by an idea of what beauty is. To have a nice body, to have clear skin, are just fake ideas of beauty that we push too much in society. Every woman is so beautiful in their own way, the same way every man is beautiful in their own way. We can not define beauty because it is such as a broad spectrum of ideas. Sometimes people forget to see that there is beauty in every soul, and it just takes time for the right person to see it. I see it in her. Others probably have done the same, but to me, it feels infatuating. To put my hand in hers would be divine. To make her smile widen, to make her eyes shine just that little bit brighter, that’s was I want. To hold her at night, to tell her to look up at the stars above. To tell her to pick a star that will be ours forever. We will name it. I think we would call it Emily or Benjamin. Every night we would be able to look up at that midnight sky and know that our star will always be there, like I for her, and her for me.

“When you least expect it, Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it’s not to me that you’ll want to speak about these things. But feel something you obviously did.

Look – you had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, to pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it. And if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out. Don’t be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste!

Have I spoken out of turn?

Then let me say one more thing. It will clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you two had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. Pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.”


-Mr. Perlman,

Call Me By Your Name